Making Friends: Friendship and Kindness
At the beginning of the school year Ava was so excited about her new class and classmates. She would come home and regale me with stories of her "friends" and the things they do during recess. I noticed she spoke of one particular "friend" more than any other. We will call her Mya. So as time went one Ava's stories about Mya, from my perspective as the listener seemed one-sided. She seemed content so I did not voice my concern.
Fast forward to one evening while I was cooking dinner and Ava was sitting at the breakfast bar as she often does while I cook. She seemed a bit down. We started to talk about her clothes for the next day. I told her she could wear her black boots. She immediately said no. Now, she loves these boots, they have a little heel and click when she walks. She wore them often. I ask why and she shrugged. At this point my mom sensors are screaming but I am trying to play it cool and not alarm her. I say "Hey sweetie, whats going on? Did you not have a good day?". This was the breaking of the dam. She broke down sobbing in a fit in my arms. I was a mess. I had to get myself together before I pulled away to look at her. Once I was able to calm her down. She told me all about Mya and her little posse joking on her boots while the boys in the class joined in. Apparently Mya wasn't her 'friend" after all and since all the girls wanted to be Mya's friend that left Ava out in the cold. This was particularly devastating to her because most of these girls with the exception of Mya and a couple of girls she had been with since preschool. They'd always been friends. Something happened. Mya happened.
Now we know these things happen. It's frustrating and I wish I could've told her it will only be for a few years. That wouldv'e been a lie. As I listened to her I realized she was chasing Mya and Mya was taking advantage of her desire to be her friend. At that moment I spoke with her about "friends" and friends. I told her she didn't have to chase Mya or anyone else to get them to like her. I wanted her to understand there is a difference between someone that is just not interested in a friendship with you and doesn't reciprocate your attempts at forming a friendship and someone who is not interested in a friendship with you and takes advantage of your desire to be their friend. It would be easy to tell our girls or boys anyone who doesn't want to be their friend is a loser but that is not true. I have learned that not all people are compatible and what we look for in friendship and how we connect with people can't be forced. So if someone doesn't desire to be your friend that's OKAY. That does not make them a bad person. In the case of Mya she was taking advantage and using Ava.
After our talk I noticed Ava would still speak of Mya and I would continue to stress to her my thoughts on her as a friend. I did not want to forbid her from speaking to Mya. That would've been silly they were classmates but my advice was to distance herself from Mya. She needed to let Mya know that she not only did not need her friendship but she did not want it. Not to be nasty, rude or unkind but because Mya was not nice or a good friend. I tried my best to empower her to be bold and stand up for herself.
A week or so later I attended her class field trip where I finally got to meet this Mya. I gave myself and my mother-in-law, who was meeting me at the location a warning about stink eyeing the little girl. I drove separately as did my MIL. Once I located my MIL we set out to find Ava. The place is packed with kids and it was outdoors. I scanned the area for the jacket I know she left the house in that morning. Finally after walking the area several times I come upon her jacket first on another child. First of all it does not fit her. Secondly I'm think why is she wearing Ava's jacket. Finally Ava appears in this oversized jacket 2 sizes too big. I ask her "why are you not wearing YOUR jacket?". Her response was "Mya wanted to swap". Excuse me? Breathe Sharese. In out. In Out. My thoughts are I don't give a **** what Mya wanted to do. Now I am trying to remember this is a child. Baby J yanks on my arm with an emergency potty break request. I tell Ava I will catch up with them. So a million miles and a potty break later I find Ava and her class in the aquarium. As we cut the corner I see Ava now holding her jacket still wearing Mya's. WHAT THE HELL? The guide is giving a tour so I quietly get her attention and motion for her to come to me. I ask her why is she holding Mya's coat. You can only guess. Mya no longer wanted to wear it or hers. Oh heck no. I tell her take her coat off and give it back. When she walks back to Mya and hands her her coat for about 5 second Mya just stares at the coat then Ava then the coat. As if it's not her coat. Finally she looks at me. I tilt my head as if to say go ahead take your damn coat. (Excuse my language but I was hopping mad.) She takes it and I can tell from that moment on her demeanor changed toward Ava. She pretended to be her friend as long as she was getting something from her. When Ava said no she's not interested in interacting with her. Ava hangs out with another classmate and the rest of the trip went on with no issue.
Around the same time this was going on Ava would come home and tell me about another classmate from another class. We will call her Ella. From the stories I gathered Ella desperately wanted to be Ava's friend. Yet Ava was so focused on Mya she was oblivious to the signs. She thought Ella was being worrisome. Ava wasn't being "mean" but she also wasn't being kind. I sat Ava down and asked her a few questions about Ella that would help her draw similarities between herself and Ella. Once we sat down and talked and she saw how she was not being as kind as she could have been to Ella or considerate of her feelings and that she and Ella actually had somethings in common. We came up with a plan to be more kind and develop a friendship with Ella. I challenged her to find something nice to say to Ella each day and come and let me know how it went.
Fast forward to Friday I was pleased to have a conversation with Ava's new teacher that took over her class after the Fall break. We talked about Ava and the dynamics from the beginning of the school year. It was nice to hear that Ava had moved on and in fact distanced herself. Although I know she struggles with friends in her class, her friends are in another class, she doesn't chase Mya in fact she often bumps heads with her when Ava comes to the defense of Mya's victim of the day. Ava today embraces the fact that she is different. She doesn't like the same music that her classmates like. She has very lofty goals, likes science, coding and is reading Harry Potter. She's a brilliant child. I say this as her mother and because it is true. Her friends are different too. Different from her and different from each other. They're different ethnicities and from different socioeconomic backgrounds. Since our conversation she and Ella became fast friends. I want her to remember to always be kind, empathetic, and embrace diversity but above all else know whose she is. She was created as unique as a snowflake. There is no one on this earth like her. God created her for a purpose. I am thankful she has a teacher who sees the greatness in her and that she is developing a confidence daily that I only dreamt of at her age.
Friendship and kindness have been major themes in our home over the past year. Not that they weren't important before but my girls are getting to an age were these things will be imperative for them to navigate their adolescence. Mommy is not picking their friends or forcing playdates.
To reinforce these areas I had to step out of my own comfort zone. Getting to know other moms on field trips and at volunteer events was important. I wanted my girls to be able to bond with the peers of their choosing not only in school but outside of school. I wanted them to develop those social skills, nurture those relationships, and embrace diversity. Another mom and myself planned a mother-daughter brunch and a paint night to get our girls together. Creating a space for not only our girls to come together but us as moms as well.
My prayer is that my children always remember whose they are. That they never allow anyone to make them feel less than or like they are not enough. If at anytime someone chooses to not be your friend because you don't fit in with them that's okay its better to stand out from the crowd. Keep smiling, being kind, laughing and loving.
Cheers,
S
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