Friendship: Why do we struggle with healthy friendships?

Friendship: Why do we struggle with healthy friendships?

 

Having daughters talks about friendships are pretty common in our household. We hope to have healthy friendships and if you have at least ☝🏾 soul sister you can consider yourself blessed.

So why do people, adults and youth alike struggle so badly in areas of friendship? 

1. I think part of our struggles come from our own expectations. Yep I said it! It’s not that others don’t “play” right or are disloyal really. When we have a set of expectations in our mind that the other person isn’t aware of and mostly didn’t even agree to we are often disappointed when they fail to live up to the expectations WE set.

2.  I think we struggle is, we expect what we don’t give. Hmmmm what do I mean. How often have you thought your friends didn’t care or where bad friends because they didn’t “check” on you or invite you out? I’ve been there. And while you’re thinking these thoughts you’re usually sitting by the phone (not checking on them) lol. Silly right. While you’re waiting on the invite you’re in the house when you could be inviting them to brunch or lunch. We expect what we don’t give. We want to receive but are slow to give.  This a very easy trap right? We live in a time where we are all so busy and seemingly preoccupied with our own lives, everyday battles and struggles.  We may forget that everyone is dealing with some struggle. So we fall short in checking in on our loved ones and we need to consider that they may have just has much going on as we do.  One of my girlfriend's whom I recently became a bit more close to is so great at this.  Far better than I.  She text me periodically to just check in on Jarrett, the kids and I.  Because she's been so consistent she's taught me how to do better.  So now she doesn't have to be the first to check in and it feels good to initiate that meaningful interaction.

3.  We confuse a fan with a friend. What do you mean? Well a fan cheers me on the sidelines and a friend does too but the difference is a fan is there to just watch my highlights. They aren’t there to also tell me the truth when needed. I use to think how nice it would be if my parents would just cheer me on and not have an opinion on everything (before I became a parent). Now as a parent to a young adult I see things in a very different light with a perspective that many only gain from the trials of parenthood (teen raising). Ha! I realize that expecting my parents, family and friends to cheer on the sidelines even when I’m driving my car towards the cliff was unfair. Am I saying we listen to everything our family and friends say? NO! What I am saying is friends should be able to be friends and be honest with us. The truth or the truth as they see it could be hard to hear but it doesn’t make them bad friends, horrible parents or unsupportive family. Now, I ask myself why does this opinion bother me? Is it that I think it’s untrue? Is it that I think it may I fact be true? Or is it that I would prefer to make my own decisions? All these thoughts are normal but how we react makes the difference. Now having a young adult daughter and offering advice I see how my parents might have felt in many situations. Especially relationship advice. Our loved ones want the best for us so when someone fails to meet that standard they see them as unworthy. They don’t have the feelings of attachment as we do and that can make their advice at time more objective and sometimes lacking the a much needed emotional factor. Regardless it comes from a good place. We resent people’s opinions, advice and transparency with us. You want a fan. Often when we feel this way about our own lives we ironically freely give advice and opinions. We just don’t like to receive them. We’re all guilty.

 

4.  I think we struggle because we expect our friends to be like us. We should want to do the same things, right? No! We can have some common interest and a common bond is usually what brings us together but like the same thing, no not really. I mean think about how boring is it that you spend all your time and life with someone who thinks and acts as you do? Jarrett and I are alike yet VERY different. Where I’m an introvert he is most definitely an extrovert. Where I can be emotional and impulsive he is even keeled and easy going. He has taken interest in things that are important to me and I him. When we first started dating my sports IQ was that of an infant. Now I can watch a football game and understand the majority of the call and penalties. On the flip side he has helped me with jewelry, paint furniture and worked out with me when I needed that partner. So in our friendships can we have healthy friendships with persons different than us? I think those friends are some of the most rewarding.

There are many reasons I think we may find ourselves struggling in the friendship

department, whether it be through conflict or just a simple desire for more meaningful connections.  

If you take an interest in others and make efforts to sincerely get to know perspective friends I think you can build healthy friendships and relationships,  Invest in other people.  Spend less time trying to show people who YOU are and spend more time getting to know who they are.  

I read a blog once a blogger wrote on what she would say to her younger self.  One of the truest things she said  was, she wouldn't over look the kids or people she once saw as different.  She found as an adult those very people were some of the best friends.  There is beauty in diversity. 

What are qualities you value in friendship? Are you actively portraying those qualities. Are you that friend someone can call on? In friendship have you taken more withdrawals than you’ve made deposits? 

We can all do better. The quote above is what I call on my girls to do and what I’ve called on myself to work on as well.

Best,

S