My daughter is attending prom with her boyfriend in a few weeks and we decided to check out a boutique in Carytown. First I did not know people paid so much for prom dresses. In 1999 I paid $200 for my dress from NYC. Some of these dresses were $400+. Now, really who in their right mind would pay that for a sophomore going to prom? Which brings me to my topic.......What are we instilling in our kids when we over indulge them?
I was a single parent for several years. I worked hard, went to school and was financially responsible for my own child. Ayanna hasn't always gotten what she wanted but she certainly had what she needed. I can see the differences in children or teens now from the way my friends and I were back in our teens.
Is it that we want to make life easier for them? Do we want them to have every single thing we didn't? Or maybe we hate for them to be the one who doesn't have something......Whatever the reason I think parents have taken the wrong approach when it comes to raising our children to be productive adults.
My husband and I joke with the kids telling them at 18 it's sink or swim.....Of course we will help them in college but I refuse to be financially responsible for adult children.
As a teen, once I got my first job my parents stopped giving me money. They didn't tell me my money was for me to play with...nope I paid for my lunch, put gas in the car when I drove it and bought clothes. Now my parents still bought things for me like church clothes but for the most part I was responsible for certain expenses. In fact if I had extra and my mom sent me to the store I didn't ask her for money I used my own.
Are you teaching your children to be independent or are you enabling them to be unproductive. They will learn and many times getting everything you want without working for it only ensures that you will be less appreciative and less likely to get out and make a way for yourself.
So we ordered a dress far cheaper online. I still have to remind my daughter that you don't get something for nothing and certainly her father and I aren't going to rain presents down on her because we don't love with currency. My husband told her he'll splurge her senior year but not this year....
Now Ayanna is a typical teenager...with mood swings and the usual teen drama. She makes great grades and we don't mind indulging....sometimes.
Somethings are not optional and overindulging my children is one of them.....
Now my parents are great and they love spoiling their grandkids...my in-laws too but what they do is not needed or required but greatly appreciated. I need to know if I left this world my children would have the tools and drive needed to make it. If I know that, I know I succeeded in raising productive and self-sufficient humans to unleash on the world.
Ways to help your children grow into productive, compassionate and independent adults.
- Talk to your children about the less fortunate.
- Teach them how to give back.....not just monetarily but in time and kindness.
- Give them responsibilities, chores, babysitting, etc.
- Spend more time than money
- Avoid raising your children out of guilt...what does this mean....Well say you're a single parent so you indulge them to make up for the absence of the other or you can't spend as much time with them so you buy them things....This only teaches them money is a currency for time and love. It's not.....or you came from meager means so you want to give them everything you didn't have....your upbringing shaped you into the adult you are...remember that.
- Set requirements and standards for them...example: Offer support while they're in school/college BUT if they dropout resend your offer.
- Set limitations and boundaries
- Understand you have the power to shape their lives negatively or positively.
- You can't keep your kids from struggles and disappointments...remember they build character... don't protect them from lessons. Just because Betty Sue gets an IPhone 7 plus doesn't mean that now you have to go out and get your child one to avoid them getting embarrassed or feeling left out. What do they learn form that? Do you want them to seek acceptance through material things?
- If they want something, especially something you aren't in agreement with or things you feel are wrong for them....make them get it, maintain it and anything else themselves. example: if I don't want my daughter to get a tattoo well I certainly won't pay for it...If she wants it than she needs to pay for it. Or when my son gets older and say he wants to backpack through Europe instead of going to college...well I can support him emotionally but I certainly don't have to front the bill for the trip. If it's something he wants well he needs to find a way to finance it.
- Lastly start while they're young and if they're old....well trust they'll figure life out but you have to let them. start the weaning process.....Say "Hey I know you've become accustomed to the help dad and I have given you but well it's time you move out....or take care of yourself. So starting next month we'll to 90% of what we usually do....and the month after that 80% and so on and so forth....."
Teach them to be self-sufficient. One thing you learn when studying successful people is they didn't have things handed to them....They worked for it. They were tenacious and driven. I pray my children learn the lessons their father and I teach them....... I want what's best for them and sometimes what's best is not always what's easiest.
Cheers,
S.
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