Nice vs True

What have you struggled with over the years? Has it hurt your relationships, career or family life? We all have something right? It may not be the catalyst to every failure we’ve experience but it may be something that prevents us from being our true selves, our best selves. 


As we get ready to start a new year. It’s our hope, at least mine that we at the very least struggle a little less with the things we did in the year we’re leaving behind. 

This year has been such a journey for me.  I’m getting older and learning more and more.... One thing that I’ve struggled with is being “nice” and being true to myself. Two things at times I felt were in conflict with the other. The fear that people would be hurt or won’t like what I have to say even if it’s MY truth would hold me back. 

So even when others would hurt my feelings I would hesitate to call them on it.... Silly right?  I found myself thinking, “Ouch, that hurt” or sometimes I wouldn’t realize it until the conversation was over like 🤔 “Wait, that wasn’t very nice” or “Wait, what was that suppose to mean?”.  Now, it’s important I stress I don’t believe they intentionally meant to hurt my feelings and at some point we must take responsibility because we don’t speak up. No that doesn’t make it right but people won’t know they’ve hurt you unless you tell them. I dealt with this in my marriage. Early on I expected my husband to have the same emotional compass as me. Yeah laughable, I know. I would think “oh gosh he’s so insensitive”. Well he was just him and we were still learning and growing in each other and in Christ.  He didn’t realize that his flippant remark hurt my feelings. If you ask him now, he’d say I have no problem expressing myself to him. He has become far better at navigating my emotional mindfield.  

When we hold things in they manifest in other ways. Many times it will lead to passive aggressive behavior. You may find yourself poking or acting in a passive aggressive manner.  What I found is people had little problem checking me or poking back which in return lead to a snowball effect of mess and resentment. Gah!!!! 

I had a conversation with my best friend and realized I certainly wasn’t alone. So what do you do? 

For me I decided I needed to spend some time with myself. Real time.... I’m on a journey. It’s a marathon not a sprint. 

I started practicing Yoga. I’m no yogi but it is helpful with meditation and worked wonders on some back issues I was having. 

Over coffee I had a long talk with one of my “mom friends” about family, friendships and our girls. She shared a story with me that really  has helped me in my journey. After a really challenging year she’s in a great place but that could not be said for last year. When we talked about my tendency to bite my tongue she explained that during her challenging year she’d struggled at work and in her relationships. She’d become that person who said whatever she wanted even at the expense of other people’s feelings. A little self-righteous and pertenious (her words not mine). This was especially so at work. As a result her co-workers avoided her and excluded her as she became someone they longer wanted to be around. This hurt her and left her feeling isolated. She understood their behavior but she desperately wished someone would’ve called her out on her behavior. Working at a school she used the summer as a time for introspection. At the beginning of the new school year she stood before her fellow co-worker and apologized for her behavior the previous school year. 

She stressed to me how important not just to me but to the people around me that I am honest with them. I need to express my feelings and allow them the opportunity to correct their behavior or maybe they themselves are responding passive aggressively to something I may have said. (Remember the cycles.... gah!) 

I’m thankful for those who’ve poured into me. My husband being at the top of this list. He is my biggest supporter. He constantly teaches me how to be bold and assertive, to speak my truth, encouraging me to stand up for myself. 

We’re never too old to change. We’re imperfect. In order to travel my journey I needed to stop traveling everyone else’s.  I needed to understand that being “nice” didn’t mean that I couldn’t speak my truth or express my feelings. And despite what I’d been made to believe many years ago, the offended is not at fault. People don’t have the right to be offensive and I have every right to be offended. What I also learned is to be more prudent with my own words.

***So this draft has been sitting for some time but I’ve finally decided to finish it. It’s a new year and time to put away 2018 and walk into a new season.
Cheers to the New Year!
S.