How to Fight Fair with your Spouse

We all experience it...conflict with our spouses.  Conflict doesn't have to be a bad thing.  Healthy conflicts can be beneficial to a relationship and even strengthen your bond with your significant other.

My husband Jarrett and I have been married nearly 9 years  We've had our share of conflict..... Our personalities have saved us from many explosive conflicts.  I am a spitfire, emotional and sensitive. What can I say.....While my husband is as cool as a cucumber.  He avoids conflict like the plague and very rarely if ever loses his temper.

So how do you fight fair?

This requires mutual respect.  I should note that in the beginning of our marriage my husband and I bumped heads often.  We had our own ideas of how the other should behave or act and subsequently were not happy when things didn't turn out the way we expected.

Now that we've experienced more as a couple and a family we've learned that most things really aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.

• First you should set time limits on your arguments..... basically arguing about something for hours will only frustrate you both and nothing will be accomplished.  15-20 minutes max. retreat and revisit later.
• Never address these problems angry..... take the time to process your feelings so you can address them in a productive manner.  Anger is counterproductive
• Stick with the current issue...DO NOT take a trip down memory lane....Address the issue at hand.
• Be sensitive to each other....No joking...even if you and your spouse have a normal banter...now is not the time. Your spouse may think you aren't taking their feelings seriously.
• No accusatory sentences....such as "you never....." be mindful and address issues from the perspective of your feelings such as "I feel hurt when..."
• Avoid sayings like "I never" or "I always" no one "Nevers" or "always" anything
• Listen!!!! Let your spouse talk and express their feelings
• Always be willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness.  Note: when you apology DO NOT justify or make excuses...just apologize.
• Give forgiveness. Sometimes you'll have to give it even when you never got the apology.
• Keep in mind you're on the same team.....the object is not to win or have the last word but to express yourselves and come to an understanding or a mutual respect....
• Last...when you elevate your voice....yelling or screaming the only thing being heard is your tone and volume....TALK!

Remember why you married your spouse and at the end of the day pick and choose your battles.  Respect your spouse and your differences.....

Cheers,

S.